There’s something undeniably joyful about making a true connection with people, especially those people who provide you with food and drink. It also doesn’t hurt when that person sends clever email bombs filled with wit and a devilish humor, like Marc Michini of Purely Farm Bucks County, PA. Their “Turkey Pick-Up Day” email not only served its purpose as a schedule reminder, it also reinforced our love for local farmers and, quite honestly, had us laughing until our stomachs hurt.  (Sorry folks, they are sold out of turkeys, and jokes, this year.)

IMPORTANT REMINDERS FOR PICK-UP DAY

  1. PLEASE BRING CASH OR A CHECK as payment for your turkey.

While you are more than welcome to rack up a whopping bill with additional pork and lamb purchases and pay for that with a card, we ask you to consider your Purely Turkey as a “cash purchase.” So here’s the deal…no matter how many times I tried to book a few of the credit card executives to help with our turkey harvest, they never took me seriously or returned my calls. They couldn’t even cover chores for one night so we could enjoy a family evening out. The truth is, they don’t deserve a percentage of our hard earned profits from Purely Turkey!

If you must pay with a card, best to watch Joanna like a hawk, she’s been known to tack on 2.8% while redirecting your focus to Clover’s toothless smile.

  1. Bring a cooler for your turkey and other purchases, especially if you’re running any errands after pick-up.

Food safety 101…KEEPIN’ IT COLD HELPS YOU LIVE TO BE NICE AND OLD!

  1. PLEASE READ our handout for pasture-raised turkey cooking suggestions before cooking your turkey.

Keep in mind our birds tend to cook quicker than conventional birds…all those chemical death molecules bonded to factory farmed poultry take longer to heat up than the “PURE” of our Purely Turkey meat! COOK BY TEMPERATURE, NOT BY TIME…I think that’s like the 13th commandment!

  1. DRESS FOR THE WEATHER AND COME WITH AN EMPTY BLADDER.

Most of our pick-up locations are outside in the elements and lack public restroom facilities, we don’t have indoor plumbing at the farm either! The only option may be to squat behind a bush or in an alley if you really gotta go.

  1. Consider pawning the little people off on someone else for the day.

While children are fun (well, fun to make if nothing else), waiting in line for a freshly harvested turkey can be about as exciting as getting a booster shot for the tiny humans’ happiness. If you must drag them out, we recommend the old “Robitussin Sippy-Cup Special” or just lock em’ in the car with the windows up!

  1. Sorry, NO FARM TOURS.

We ask all who are scheduled to pick-up at our farm to stay close to the storage containers and not wander. There will simply be too much going on to show ya’ll around and we no longer allow self-guided tours after that one incident…our pigs are so tasty looking, we once had a family run one down and go all “walking dead” on the poor guy!

Seriously, we have snipers in the treeline so PLEASE STAY CLOSE TO THE PICK-UP AREA!

“Farm tours by appointment only”…feel free to hassle Joanna about that one…not my department!

  1. Bring a strong cloth grocery bag to help carry your turkey.

Although already bagged in heavy plastic, it’s much easier to carry a whole turkey in a big bag with handles; especially if you’re picking up at a farmers’ market…especially if it’s like 30 lbs!

  1. Finally, PLEASE BE SURE TO ACTUALLY SHOW UP or make arrangements for someone to stand in your stead at the pick-up location you have chosen.

It’s also a good idea to make sure you’re there DURING THE SCHEDULED TIMES. Given the logistics of the strategic chessmove-like mastery it will take for each family’s pre-selected bird to navigate the various pick-up locations successfully, we request no last minute audibles on your end. Stick to the program people or you’ll drive me straight into my emergency stash of vitamin “V”…yeah, that’s vodka for those that don’t know me. Please help me keep my sanity, and my sobriety (at least till we sling the last bird)!

Thank you for your support, we want you to know that seeing our beloved Purely Turkey find the perfect home with your family is honestly one of the most rewarding and enjoyable moments in farming for us throughout the year…and that’s not just because we finally get the damn things out of our lives either!

Thank you so much,

Marc, Joanna & Clover Mae – the toothless wonder!

Purely Farm’s Naturally Pasture-Raised Meats

EDITOR NOTE: Purely Farm is officially sold out for the season. Please DON’T inquire about purchasing a turkey for 2016 and DON’T show up at Purely Farm or their pickup locations without a previously placed and confirmed order.   We had to swear a solemn oath not to send people to their farm for turkeys this year.  Next year yes, this year – no dice.